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| Issue #1 January 2005 |
“Falling Apart” Part 2 Written By John Jones |
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" This Evil Triumphant")
Captain America paced back and forth in the medical lab underneath Avengers Mansion , trying to keep his temper in check. He was failing. "I do not appreciate the flippant attitude, Tony. You need help," barked Steve Rogers.
Tony Stark rolled his eyes at the Captain. "I am not giving you a 'flippant' attitude, Steve. I just do not like anybody telling me my business concerning my health. Oh, and come back to talk to me about help when you are willing to call in some more Avengers. Otherwise, why don't you go pump some iron in the training room?" Tony regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, but still they came out.
The Sentinel of Liberty stopped his pacing and turned on the Golden Avenger. "What did you say to me?" demanded Steve. But before the multi-millionaire could explain himself the angry man continued. "I am the team leader here, not you. I will decide what is best for this team! You got that, soldier?" Again he did not wait for an answer but barreled on. "Face it, Tony. You were out cold, and we could not revive you at all. The only reason we did not rush you to the hospital or take you out of that tin can is you were awake before we could pick you up off the floor. You're fortunate you did not go into a coma. You were hurt pretty badly by Ultron and need help, whether you want to admit it or not."
This time it was Iron Man who became angry. "Team leader, huh? You decide what is best for this team? Did you forget that I am this team's financial backer? If I decided to, you wouldn't even have a team to lead, which, by the way, looks more probable everyday. And you want to talk about health concerns? How about the fact that for the last week you have gotten less than 8 hours of sleep? Even your Super Soldier Serum will not keep you from dropping dead of exhaustion soon. So get off my case, Captain; I have a synthezoid to repair."
Captain America and Iron Man were nose to nose, ready to exchange blows when a soft voice interrupted them. "Ahem.excuse me, gentlemen, but there is another incident that the Avengers are being asked to answer." Both turned to see a pale Jarvis, standing at attention with his hands behind his back.
Steve and Tony broke away from one another in embarrassment, both wishing they had kept their tempers. After all, while they might not always see eye to eye, they were friends and colleagues in arms. Steve spoke first, "What is happening Jarvis? Where are we needed?"
Jarvis nodded. "Someone calling themselves the Wonderland Gang is holding up a bank in Trenton , New Jersey . While we are unsure of whom these individuals are, they are wishing to fight."
Captain America pulled his mask over his golden locks. "Alright, let's get ready to move. Tony, meet me at the Quinjet."
Jarvis coughed and interrupted the Star Spangled Avenger. "My pardon, sir, but that's not all. The mayor of Philadelphia is requesting the Avengers as well. Some super power team is tearing up the streets of that particular city. I took the liberty to see if the Fantastic Four could handle this, but unfortunately I could not reach them. The X-Men were also unavailable. Excuse my interference, sir, but." Jarvis shrugged, unable to say more.
Captain America looked at the faithful butler, just a little upset concerning what he had done. 'What is with everyone? When did I become unable to make decisions around here?' thought the hero, but as soon as he thought it, it was followed by a chastisement. 'Come on, Steve. You know that you are tired and not thinking straight. They do not mean anything. Come on, soldier, no time to dawdle.' He turned to Tony. "Tony, do you think that you can investigate whatever is going on in Philadelphia ?"
Tony nodded, pulling down his faceplate. "No problem. I wanted to work on the Vision a bit more, but duty calls. I will take the Wasp with me; how about you take Thor?"
Captain nodded. "Just what I was thinking. I hate to split us up any further, but, like you said, duty calls. Jarvis," he turned to the butler, "You know what to do."
Jarvis nodded again and went to one of the wall monitors to alert the other two Avengers. Before he could get to the monitor, Iron Man and Captain America were gone from the room.
**********
"I tell you, nothing beats a long night of crime fighting like a Grand Slam Breakfast." Dr. Alan Ventura, the man known as Flatman of the Great Lakes Avengers, sighed. He reached over and picked up his fork by wrapping his finger around the handle. He stabbed a sausage link and began to put it into his mouth but stopped and grimaced. Finally, he twisted his neck so that his face was behind him. Addressing the restaurant, Flatman asked, "What's the matter? Have you never seen a two dimensional man eat a sausage link?" He wasn't joking; he was flat as the proverbial pancake.
"Take it easy, Flatman. After all, they are just adoring fans that probably want an autograph," said the leader of the G.L.A., Mr. Immortal, a.k.a. Craig Hollis. He waved to the room and with a broad smile and booming voice said, "Do not worry, citizens. We shall not leave until you have all received our autographs." The dining room became deathly quiet. Suddenly, somebody in the back began to snicker, followed by a guffaw, then full scale laughter. The red and blue costumed man with the big white I on his chest stood with his mouth wide open, stupefied by the reaction of the crowd. He finally snapped his mouth shut, sat back down, and pouted.
A pink taloned hand caressed his shoulder, trying to comfort Craig's embarrassment. The pink hand belonged to the one member of the Great Lakes Avengers that never said a word, or at least anything that anybody could hear, Dinah Soar. "_" she said. Craig nodded his head in agreement, being the only member of the team that seemed to even understand what the pink pterodactyl woman said. The rest of the team looked at one another in confusion.
Hollis Demarr, also known as Doorman, was cutting up his double stuffed French Toast. "You know, I don't think we did so badly tonight. I mean, we did stop that diamond heist at the museum, and we only destroyed the Egyptian display." The others nodded in agreement.
All except the last member of the team, Ashley Crawford, the huge, gigantic, obese super heroine Big Bertha. In her Big Bertha form, Ashley was seven feet tall and over eight thousand pounds, or a little over four tons. At the moment though, she was in her de-powered mode of plain ol' supermodel Ashley, who in her normal form was a gorgeous strawberry blonde model six feet tall and a slim one hundred twenty-five pounds. After all, the Denny's furniture was not meant to take someone that was over five hundred pounds, much less over four tons. She shook her head in disgust. "Yeah, we only destroyed one display. A display that cost near twenty-five million dollars! Guys, we have to get better or be more careful. My finances can not keep handling large payouts like this. I guess I can go and do some more modeling jobs, but that takes me away from the team."
Before Ashley and the team could get into a further discussion about responsibility and money, the door to the kitchen slammed open, and out poured four masked men carrying shotguns. For a brief second, before the swinging doors to the kitchen closed behind the bandits, the dining room could see several of the employees tied to one another and laying on the floor.
One of the men, wearing a purple ski mask, stepped forward and shot into the ceiling, causing rubble to cascade to the floor. "Listen up! I want everybody to empty out your wallets, purses, and pockets and put your money on the tables. Then each one of you will lie down on the floor and stay still. If one of you even twitches an eyebrow, I will personally add another hole to your head!" yelled Purple Mask.
Another of the masked bandits, this one wearing a clown mask, stepped forward and added to what the first bandit had to say. "Yeah, and all of you will take off your clothes and throw them in the middle of the room!"
Purple Mask turned to Clown Face and growled. "Damnit! I told you to quit watching The Survivors before we did a heist! And besides, get it right if you are going to do this. The robbers made everyone drop their pants, not get completely naked! What do you think this is? A porno? We do not have time for that, and I definitely do not want to see Grandpa's jimmy. Got it?" Clown Face nodded in acknowledgement.
While the four bandits were distracted by the by play of Purple Mask and Clown Face, the Great Lakes Avengers leaped into action, or at least what seemed like action to them. Mr. Immortal climbed on top of the table and struck as menacing pose and face as he could. He looked like he was in pain from constipation. Dinah Soar and Doorman also stood and posed on either side of Mr. Immortal. The only two not standing and posing were Ashley, who hung her head and shook it in frustration, and Flatman, who was shoveling as much scrambled eggs into his mouth as possible. "You villains have chosen the wrong Denny's for your crime, for the Great Lakes Avengers are here to stop you! Put down your weapons, and you get naked!" demanded Mr. Immortal.
"Who are these freaks?" demanded the third robber, who was wearing a paper bag for a mask.
"Did you not hear me? We are the Great Lakes Avengers, and we are your worst nightmare!" quipped back the indignant leader. Craig moved forward a bit, moving toward the edge of the table.
Doorman cleared his throat in an attempt to get Craig's attention. "Um.Mr. I? You shouldn't."
Mr. Immortal shushed Doorman. "Not now, DM. We have business to take care of." He directed his attention back to the criminals. "Now where was I? Oh! Yeah.Give up, miscreants, or taste the wrath of the Great Lakes Avengers! Avengers ASSEM.Aaaaaah!" While Mr. I gave his speech, he had shuffled to the edge of the table, which became unbalanced and flipped, causing the would-be hero to tumble to the ground and the GLA's breakfast to go flying toward the criminals, coating them in eggs, breakfast meats, oatmeal, and syrup.
Purple Mask took the accident as an attack and opened fire, hitting Mr. Immortal right between the eyes with a round of buckshot. By the time the body hit the floor, the head of the unfortunate was gone. Technically it was not gone, just splattered over the restaurant, the diners, the bandits, and the GLA, but dead was still dead.
As soon as the body hit the ground, the remaining heroes rushed into action. Or at least attempted to. Ashley Crawford suddenly expanded into the gargantuan Big Bertha, which caused two things. First, she was standing by a wall when she expanded, and her now big butt crashed through, leaving a huge hole. Second, she was standing by her three teammates when she expanded, causing them to bounce off of her gut like bouncing on a trampoline and fly right toward the assailants.
Doorman landed face first at the feet of Purple Mask. He looked up to see a gun barrel pushed into his face. Purple Mask growled. "I told you punks not to move; now you got to die like your friend." He pulled the trigger and laughed. He did not laugh long though as Doorman pushed up off the floor. "Impossible. Your head should be missing!"
Doorman slugged the bandit in the jaw as hard as he could. Purple Mask crumpled at the feet of the black garbed superhero, who looked a little like Spider-Man. "I guess you did not know that I have the ability to teleport people or things through my body. Your bad!" Little did Doorman know that, while the slugs did pass through him harmlessly, where they ended up was not so harmless. For below the restaurant was a basement storage area, and, when the slugs passed through Doorman and through the floor, they struck a water pipe, causing it to burst, rapidly flooding the room, ruining everything in storage.
While Doorman was dealing with Purple Mask, Dinah Soar was handling Clown Face, circling around him so fast that all he saw was a pink blur. Before he knew what was going on, one of her razor sharp wings raked across his belt, cutting it in half. He twisted around to try and shoot her, but his pants pooled around his ankles, causing him to trip and land headfirst onto the floor, dazing him. The silent pink dinosaur lady swooped down and grabbed the gun away from Clown Face. When he began to get up, she unleashed her sonic scream against him, the only thing loud about her. But her shriek was so intense that it caused all the windows in the restaurant to shatter, sending glass shards everywhere. One good thing was it did knock him out.
Big Bertha finally got her butt free from the wall. However, since it was a load bearing wall and her butt was now supporting part of the ceiling, some of the roof crumpled down behind her, making an even bigger hole in the restaurant. Though Ashley had mentioned to her teammates about being careful, she never thought that she was just as destructive as the rest of them. She stomped her way to the third bandit, who was wearing a paper bag over his head. Paper Bag Man opened fire on the approaching fat woman, but the bullets were absorbed deep into the massive blubber, slowed down, and then rebounded back at him. While they were no longer lethal, due to the fact that the momentum of the bullets had been slowed down to non-lethal levels, they still stung badly as they contacted with him. He turned and began to run back through the kitchen. "No, you don't, little boy. You are not getting away that easily." She stomped down onto the floor, using her super strength and her immense weight to send a shock wave through the floor, knocking him down. Paper Bag Man slammed his head on the side of a table and was out like a light. It did more than that, however. The floor, already stressed by her four tons, gave way, and down she went into the flooded basement, leaving another huge hole.
Flatman being the lightest out of the bunch was thrown the farthest, landing on the fourth bandit, who was wearing a Lone Ranger style eye mask. Dr. Ventura tightly wrapped himself around the crook's head, arms, and legs in an attempt to stop him. "My theory, good sir, is that after several minutes of being deprived of oxygen, your lungs will trigger an overwhelming reaction to the brain, caused by asphyxiation." If the Lone Ranger could speak, he would have said, 'Huh?' In other words, the hero was going to make the man pass out due to lack of oxygen. But this was a process that took a little bit of time, so he stretched out his head and spoke to remaining diners, those that had not already ran away in terror. "Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse this temporary set back to your dining enjoyment. I do understand the frustration of having your meal interrupted; after all, I too enjoy the sweet, sweet savor of a Grand Slam Breakfast, but this diversion will only last for a few minutes more, and then we can get back to the consumption of breakfast meats. Mmmmmm, sausage," droned on the two dimensional man who looked oddly enough like Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four.
While Flatman continued to hold onto his 'prize', he noticed a customer nervously clutched a newspaper, The Daily Bugle, to his chest. "Do you mind if I borrow your paper for a moment, my good man? I believe I see an article of some interest." The man nodded and handed the paper to the would-be hero. With one outstretched hand, Dr. Ventura began to scan the article of interest. "Hmmm.Amazing, absolutely amazing. Comrades, I do believe our ship has come in!"
Now Flatman had held onto the robber, but, as the man began to suffocate, he began to panic. The Lone Ranger pulled the trigger on the gun, firing wildly into the air. The other heroes and the patrons of the restaurant ducked to avoid the bullets. Doorman yelled at Flatman. "Quit playing with that punk, Alan, and put him down!
Flatman nodded. "My most humble apologies, my dear DM. One second please." With that he began to contract himself, tightening down on the robber, forcing whatever air he had left out. But the tightening also caused the arm muscles in the robber to tighten, which caused his hand to jerk, which released another barrage into the air.
At the same time that the first bullet was flying in the air, Mr. Immortal pushed himself off the ground, his face completely healed. In his eyes burned a beserker rage, the same type of rage that he got every time he came back from the dead. He began to drool as he smiled savagely in anticipation of sending one of the robbers to the 'Other Side'. "Grrrraaaaarrrrrr! Mr. Immortal Smash! It's Clobberin' Ti." He never got to finish as the second bullet went straight between Craig's eyes, killing him instantly. His body fell to the floor with a thump.
Doorman walked over to Flatman and the robber and pulled the gun out of the robber's hands. "Flatman, you idiot! All you had to do was restrain him. You do not need to kill him. And now you killed our leader!"
Dr. Ventura bristled at the accusation. "I am not trying to kill the miscreant, just stop him." With a mental thought, the stretchy man relaxed himself, allowing the Lone Ranger to breathe again yet still stay bound. "And I did not kill Mr. I. He did," continued the embarrassed man.
DM shrugged. "Well, I guess it does not really matter. He will be back up in a few minutes after all." The black garbed hero looked around the restaurant and shook his head. "Not too bad guys. I think we are getting better."
A little bald man stomped up to Doorman, shaking a finger under his nose. "Getting better? Good God, man, I would hate to see what you clowns do when you are bad. Look at my restaurant; it's ruined!" He waved his hand around, showing off the destruction. The windows were shattered; one wall had completely come down, taking some of the roof with it; there was a huge hole in the floor (which was getting wider due to Big Bertha trying to climb out and just causing the edges to collapse further); the storage room was now a pool; and there was a dead man on the floor.
Doorman looked around and shrugged. "I have seen worse." The angry manager turned a dark red and began to sputter, but no coherent word came out of his mouth.
Flatman cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but I have an important announcement to make. I had the opportunity to peruse this fine periodical and came across some information that, while sad, does grant us a certain level of chance in our favor."
Big Bertha, who had finally pulled herself out of the basement (which only caused another quarter of the flooring to collapse), waddled up to the other three. "In English, Alan."
Flatman smiled. "The Avengers recently had a loss in their numbers and are now struggling with only four individuals. I figured that we could go to New York and offer our services. You know, join the main branch."
Dinah Soar, Doorman, and Big Bertha looked at one another doubtfully. Dinah Soar asked, "_?" She waited patiently for someone to answer her, but her friends only looked at her in confusion.
"Um.I think what Dinah is saying is: are you sure this is not some type of hoax? I mean, the Avengers do not lose. They are the best at what they do," stated Doorman.
The manager laughed at the four. "Recently lost? A hoax? Ha! Where have you guys been? The moon? This only happened over two months ago!" The remaining patrons of the restaurant joined in with the laughter of the manager.
Flatman, who was turning a bright shade of red from embarrassment, responded. "We have been busy saving the greater Mid-West area. And as far as a hoax, well, I am sorry to say that this comes from a very retable newspaper, The Daily Bugle."
Big Bertha shifted and picked at her uniform, which resembled a big yellow one piece swimming suit. She asked, "So what are you saying we do? Just waltz up to Avengers Mansion , knock on the door, and tell them we are here to join?" Flatman nodded in affirmation.
Doorman shrugged again. "Why not? As far as most of his plans go, this is actually a pretty good one."
Big Bertha shook her head. "I don't know about this."
"Well, I do. And I am leader, so I say we do it. To the mini van!" cheered on Flatman.
The massive hand of Big Bertha took hold of her smaller, flatter teammate's arm. "Just one minute, Alan. Craig is our leader, not you. We should wait until he revives and ask him."
Flatman grimaced, "Well, Mr. I is dead for right now, and the death of Mr. I moves me up from Deputy Leader to full Leader. And I say we go."
At that moment, Mr. Immortal began to groan as he came back to life. "Doesn't look like you will be leader much longer, Flatman. Mr. I is reviving," said Doorman.
Dr. Ventura looked at Mr. Immortal, who was lying behind the massive Big Bertha, and then at Big Bertha's feet, standing in a puddle of water. The Deputy Leader of the Great Lakes Avengers stretched out his arms and, with a push on Big Bertha's shoulders, caused the huge, four ton woman to fall right onto her butt, and right on top of Mr. Immortal, who was instantly crushed and killed again.
"Ewwww.He's wedged between my butt cheeks!" cried Ashley.
The other three glared at Flatman, but he did not seem particularly bothered by the fact that he had just killed his team leader.again. Waving the paper like a sword, he pointed at their mini van, which could be seen from the giant hole in the wall. "Onward, fellow Great Lakes Avengers who are about to be just normal Avengers. Avengers Assemble!" The man then ran out of the restaurant toward the vehicle. Doorman and Dinah Soar looked at one another and shrugged their shoulders, then followed their temporary leader to the car.
Big Bertha stood up and began to waddle to the vehicle, while trying to pull her dead friend out of her butt. Before she could get outside though, the little bald manager of the Denny's restaurant walked in front of her, a very brave thing to do, considering she just sat on her boss. "Now wait just one dang minute. Who is going to pay for this mess?"
Ashley looked around and sighed. 'Another couple of million down the drain,' thought the distressed woman. She reached into her yellow spandex swimming suit and pulled out a card from between one of the folds of fat. "Here, just call my lawyer. He will make sure your restaurant is rebuilt and that you and the patrons get proper compensation for the inconvenience." Then she lumbered out of the destroyed building, while still trying to dislodge her friend.
The man took the card and read ~David Durowitz, Attorney for Ashley Crawford. If you experience an incident with the Great Lakes Avengers please call 555-1235~ He looked dubiously at the departing woman. "That's Ashley Crawford the supermodel? Man.She has really let her self go."
**********
Carl "Crusher" Creel ran his hand over his bald head in frustration. "Come on, babe, when I said I would like to stuff Carmen Electra like a Thanksgiving turkey, I was only trying to say how much I dislike her. No, wait! Titania!" There was a click on the line, and the phone went dead.
Carl slammed the phone through the motel wall, leaving a basketball-sized hole. Two teenagers, who were in bed together, stared wide-eyed back at him. "Ah, just go back to your screwing and leave me alone you worthless teeny boppers!" growled the man. The girl leaped from the bed and ran out of the room naked as the day she was born, screaming for help. The boy was not that far behind her, only stopping long enough to put on his underwear.
"Damn it! Now I got to find another place to lay low at. Don't want to deal with the cops. Hopefully, those snot nosed brats did not recognize who I am," Carl spat.
Carl's secret was that he was the super villain known as The Absorbing Man, a villain with the ability to absorb anything he touched and gain their properties and strengths. Over the years, he has tussled with many a superhero: Thor, Hulk, Spiderman, and the Avengers. And while he had always been a serious adversary for the heroes, he had never truly won against any of them.
Right now, however, he did not care about any of that. All he wanted to do was make up with his wife, the villainess known as Titania. He had made a stupid comment and got thrown out of their house again. "At least this time I did not mention the She-Hulk. Well, time to pack up and find a new hideout."
"You do not need to worry about that at this time, Absorbing Man," stated a dark voice.
Carl whirled around to see who had entered his room and give them a good thrashing. There were two people, one shrouded in black and the other in green. The man in green was the only thing that kept Creel from using his ball and chain on the two.
He pointed at the two. "I do not know who you are, mister, but I know him." Carl growled. "Why the hell are you here, Whirlwind, and who in hell is this?
Before David Cannon could answer his former comrade, the dark man spoke up. "My name is Necrosis, Carl Creel, and I am here to enroll you in the newest version of The Masters of Evil."
Carl shook his head. "Mister, I have been in the Masters of Evil before, and I can tell you it is not an experience I would wish to duplicate. All I am interested in is making up with my wife."
David frowned. "Carl, I would not say no to this man. You do not know what he can do."
The Absorbing Man laughed. "You have always been a coward, David. What can he do that would even put a dent into me? I have gone against Thor and the Hulk. I have taken on an entire team of Avengers and shrugged them off. What can this bad smelling punk do to me?"
"Do not test me, 'Crusher' Creel. I do not like to be tested," whispered Necrosis in a thick German accent.
"Mister, I have not even begun to test you. How about this for a test?" Crusher reached out and picked up his ball and chain and began to turn into iron, from the chain he was holding.
Necrosis raised his hand and darkness issued forth, wrapping around the now iron felon. "What the hell? What is this? What's going on?" Crusher struggled at first, but the bands of darkness just flexed with him whenever he tried to break them. He stomped over to Necrosis and started to raise his ball and chain in an attack but was unable to do so, its weight becoming too much for the villain.
Soon Crusher was on his knees before Necrosis and Whirlwind. His iron body began to rust, and flecks of iron chipped off. "Do you still wish to test me, Absorbing Man, or do you wish to pit your mettle against the likes of Thor and the Avengers? Do you not wish to have your revenge against those who have defeated you in the past? Or do you wish to stay here and die? For, even iron and stone pass away from this earth."
Creel raised his head, or attempted to (he was so very weak.). "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man, just please, let me go!" he pleaded. Necrosis nodded, and the blackness vanished. The weakened Creel could not even stay on his knees when the black bands of energy vanished, so he became prostrate at the feet of his new master. "Th.thank you. I will do whatever you say," croaked the man. 'But I promise you that I will get even with you, Necrosis. Nobody does this to the Absorbing Man, no one!'
**********
Tony Stark was flying over Philadelphia , his jet boots roaring. The Wasp and he had left for the city of Philadelphia in response to an urgent cry from the Mayor of said city. Once they had entered the city, the two flyers landed their Quinjet on a rooftop and took to the skies on their own, looking for the trouble. It did not take long.
Iron Man did not need high tech sensors or radar devices to see the destruction that Philadelphia , the City of Brotherly Love , was going through. Block after block, there were torn down and burning buildings, panicking citizens, and police and firemen desperately trying to make some order out of the chaos. And steadily marching down the street were a group of five super powered villains heading for Liberty Bell Pavilion. They were a strange looking bunch.
Tony rapidly blinked twice to activate his face plate's inner monitor. He quickly glanced over his options and choose to have the miniature eye cameras zoom in on the destructive bunch. It zoomed in on the five men and one woman. "Computer, scan and identify subjects."
A seductive female voice, one that was modified off of the Black Widow's speech patterns, answered. "Subject one: Dr. Johnathon Ohms, a.k.a. The Spot. Known criminal record for larceny. Known powers: has the ability of teleportation through the teleporting discs on uniform. Known adversary: Spider-Man."
The voice continued onto the next individual, who was a man with red tights with images of yellow flames licking up the arms and legs. "Subject two: Dr. Walter Michaels, a.k.a. Thermo. Known criminal record for larceny and murder. Known powers: able to absorb thermal energy and project it in the form of a heat blasts. Known adversaries: Spider-Man and Quasar."
Iron Man next looked at a green scaled individual with a massive Mohawk like fin on his head. "Subject three: Fishguy. Other aliases unknown. Known criminal record for larceny, kidnapping, and attempted murder. Known powers: ability to breathe underwater and speak to fish. Known adversaries: Spider-Man."
The one woman of the group was wearing tight black leather and had long flowing blonde hair. If she was not busy destroying the city, Tony might have tried seducing her. But the thought of the whips she was using spoiled the thought; after all he was not into that type of kink. The computer continued with its report. "Subject four: Whiplash, a.k.a. Nikki Chevelle. Known criminal record for larceny, kidnapping, attempted murder, and public indecency. Known powers: Master of the whip. Known adversaries: Spider-Man and Captain America ."
The computer focused on the last member of the gang, an obese man in dark purple spandex, which bulged in all the wrong places. "Subject five: Critical Mass, a.k.a. Arnie Gunderson. Known criminal record for larceny, kidnapping, attempted murder, and murder. Known powers: Gravity energy blasts of concussive force. Known adversaries: Spider-Man and Wolverine. End Report."
Tony sighed in frustration. 'What is with these Spider-Man villains wanting to take on the Avengers? I could mop the floor with the lot of them,' thought the billionaire superhero. 'Better make a plan of action. The path they are taking will take them straight to the Liberty Bell. The U.S. would never forgive me if I allowed these clowns to damage it.'
Tony triggered his radio to speak to the Wasp but was unable to get the diminutive heroine on the line. "Blast it, Janet! Where in Hades are you?" he demanded.
He did not have to look long when he noticed the five villains waving their arms around as if trying to swat an insect. A wave of fear washed over Tony as he realized that while he was analyzing the enemy, Janet had just rushed in. "So much for a plan," mumbled the Golden Avenger. He changed directions and dived toward the beleaguered opponents.
The man known as Critical Mass noticed Iron Man buzzing toward them. Pointing a pudgy finger at the diving Avenger he yelled "Heads up, Band of Baddies!" His finger glowed a light purple and released an energy beam at Tony that was easily avoided.
A small voice laughed. "Band of Baddies? Is that what you losers call yourselves? Why not the Syndicate of Stupid Somebodies? Legion of Losers? The Physically Fit Challenged?" The Wasp unleashed a wasp sting on his massive, cellulite riddled buttocks. "And next time you come out in public, wear something other than spandex; nobody wants to see you jiggle!"
While the Wasp dealt with Critical Mass, Iron Man focused on Thermo. The villain unleashed his powers on the Golden Avenger in the form of heat waves. But the heat waves flowed around the hero due to the superior shielding the armor possessed. In fact the man inside the armor did not feel a bit of the heat and continued to come down on the criminal.
"Oh crap! This is not what I signed up for, Arnie! You said that they were weak and tired. You said we will make a name for ourselves. You said I wouldn't embarrass myself like I did against Quasar!" yelled Thermo, but to no avail because his partner was trying to fend off Janet's attacks.
Iron Man raised his gauntleted fist, took aim, and fired a low level repulsor at the man, knocking him out. Before Thermo hit the ground, Tony turned and unleashed another blast on Whiplash, whom was raising her metallic whip to strike. She never got the chance as she too was relieved of consciousness.
Iron Man turned to see The Spot peel off one of his black dots and through it onto the ground. The second it hit, expanding to the size of a manhole in the process, Dr. Ohms leaped into it and vanished. Tony took a step toward the hole, but it too vanished from sight before he could get to it.
The seductive voice suddenly came to life. "Warning! Designate known as The Spot is fleeing the area. Warning!" In the corner of his eye, on the inside of his faceplate, a targeting system began to flash, directing him in which way to turn.
Further down the street, leaping out of a cartoonish looking black hole in a wall, appeared the villain. Tony fired a repulsor at the figure only for him to disappear again into another hole. Again Spot reappeared, even further away, and laughed. "You can't hit me Avenger! See Spot run!" And then he went into another hole.
The Golden Avenger growled. "Oh no, you did not say that! Computer, analyze energy dispersion generated by The Spot's teleportation devices. Rapidly." Spot leaped into another hole and vanished.
"Analyzation complete," chimed the computer.
"Good. Computer, the next time The Spot activates a teleportation device I want you to locate the most likely area of exit, then aim and fire." The computer acknowledged the command and took over control of the suit of armor.
The Spot turned to mock his opponent one final time before he disappeared from the scene. "Sorry, Avenger. You do not get me today!" He peeled off another hole and leapt through it head first, only to be struck upside the head by a repulsor beam as he started to come through the other side. On one side of the street, The Spot's lower torso was hanging out of the hole and further away his upper torso hung out the exit hole.
"Computer, release control. Going back to manual," commanded Tony. Iron Man turned to the last villain, Fishguy, who had just stood there watching as his teammates were taken down by one man. "You going to do anything? Punch me? Bite me? Don't tell me you are just going to sit there."
Fishguy shrugged his green scaly shoulders "What could I do to hurt you? I talk to fish."
Iron Man shook his head. "Sit down then and keep quit." He looked to see how the Wasp was dealing with Critical Mass. The fat man was now trying to run away from the winsome woman, only to have a wasp sting blasted at him at every turn.
He wailed and cried, begging to be left alone. But Janet tailed him and kept blasting, increasing the power of her sting. "I hate your kind! Hate you! All you villains are the same, thinking you can bully good people. Hurt good people. I won't let you take him from me! I won't!" she screamed, tears of raging flowing down her face.
Tony was alarmed. Just a minute ago she had been joking, mocking the obese man. Now she was enraged. His sensors registered that her stings were beginning to approach lethal levels. He realized he had to act if he was to keep her from doing something she would regret. Stepping forward, he braced himself and allowed the fat man to run face first into him. Critical Mass fell to the ground, unconscious.
Janet, at seeing her opponent taken down, turned her rage onto her friend. "How dare you! How dare you, Tony! I did not ask for your help. Why did you do that?"
Iron Man stared at his friend, looking for the words to say. "Janet, you would have killed him if you continued. Look at him; you would have caused him to have a coronary. Janet, you need." Before he could finish though, she grew to normal size and turned to look at Critical Mass. She stood there, staring down at the fallen villain in absolute silence.
Alarmed by the mercurial changes in attitude displayed by his teammate, Tony began to say something to her when the Avenger's radio signal beeped in. The voice of Jarvis rang in Tony's ears. "Congratulations on your victory, sir. I have been watching your exploits live on the telly." The billionaire looked up and saw new copters flying overhead, with eager cameramen drinking in the scene. Looking around, he saw the press, firemen, and policemen rushing toward the scene of the battle. Even the Mayor was in the crowd, obviously wanting to be seen with the Avengers.
The voice of Jarvis continued, "I regret to tell you, sir, but there is another incident. This one near you. I know you and Madame Wasp are tired, but."
Tony interrupted, "No, you did the right thing, Jarvis. Give us a few moments to clear things here, and then we will be on our way to the next disaster. Uplink the quadrants into the Quinjet's computer system. Iron Man out." He released the line as he was swarmed by thankful citizens. He was dimly aware of the Mayor shaking his hand, for his thoughts and eyes were on Janet, who just stood still and mumbled. He was not sure, but he thought he heard her saying 'Why Hank?' over and over again.
**********
Elsewhere, in the First National Bank of Trenton , New Jersey , a man in a walrus suit questioned his partner, "Um.Who are we waiting for again, boss?" The Walrus adjusted himself where the suit was uncomfortably pulling on his crotch.
His boss, a beautiful young woman dressed up like a playboy bunny with white rabbit ears and an umbrella sighed in frustration. "I have told you before, moron. We are waiting on the Avengers." The young woman, known as the White Rabbit, tapped her foot impatiently. "And if they do not get here soon, somebody is going to die." She pointed her umbrella, which was a machine gun in disguise, at a bank teller, who proceeded to whimper.
The Walrus grunted and asked, "Why are we waiting on the Avengers for again?"
A grayish green mist floated toward the simpleton. "Bloody hell, man! How blasted daft can you be!" The man known only as Fogg turned and asked the White Rabbit, "I'm begging ya, please let me kill him! After all, what can he do that my pal Knight can't?"
The White Rabbit shook her head. "I did not hire you to kill my underlings, Fogg. I hired you and Knight to kill the Avengers. We needed a little extra muscle to take on the likes of Iron Man and Thor, which is why you are here. And are you sure you can kill them? I am paying you a lot of money."
Fogg chuckled. "Don't you worry, love. They have to breathe, don't they? And you cannot breathe if you are choking on fog, or if Fogg is choking you! That's a good one, eh, Knight?"
Knight, a silent man in an iron suit of armor modeled after a medieval knight, sighed. "I wish you would take this more seriously. We have been hired to do a job, one that I might add I find highly dubious. These men and women are good, noble individuals. Not the usual scum we kill."
Fogg was the one to sigh now. "Come on, buddy. You know we needed a job. Especially after the whole Spider-Man issue, nobody was hiring. I don't know about you, but I like to eat. Don't need to, but like to."
A man in a purple cat suit interrupted the living mist. "Now, gentlemen, there is no need for this type of talk. We are not going to kill the Avengers, just defeat them in honorable combat."
"No.we are going to kill them, Cheshire Cat. I am the leader here, and you do as I say. You just have your invisibility suit ready," barked the young woman. She pulled out her pocket watch and looked at the time. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Where are they? We made the call over thirty minutes ago. They should have rushed in by now. They're late, they're late, for a very important date."
Walrus roared with laughter. "I like that movie White Rabbit. I never know when that funny bunny is going to say that."
"Again, please let me kill him. Please," whined the sociopath.
While the Wonderland Gang continued to argue about what they were doing, begging to kill one another, and talking about what part of Alice in Wonderland is the funniest, Captain America observed from above through the grate of the air ducts.
Steve and Thor had arrived at the scene shortly after the emergency call was placed. An Avengers Quinjet is able to cross the Atlantic in less than an hour, so crossing into New Jersey was not an issue. Captain America decided it was too dangerous to just rush into the fray with civilians being held hostage, so he had Thor drop him off on the roof of the bank, so he could proceed in caution, the two staying in contact by radio. Crawling through the air ducts had not been a problem for the time displaced soldier, remembering the trenches of Western Europe during World War II.
Thor's voice whispered into the Captain's ear, "Captain, dost thou need assistance?"
The Sentinel of Liberty grimaced, afraid that the sound of Thor would alert the Wonderland Gang, for even Thor's whispers are booming. Seeing that the Gang did not seem to notice the noise, he answered, "Not quite yet. I will let you know when to make your entrance."
"Where are they? Don't they know being late is very rude?" vented the homicidal bunny. "The girls at the bridge club will never let me live this down! Okay.fine. They decide to blow me off; well, it is time to blow somebody's head off." She pointed her machine gun umbrella at the sniveling bank teller. "Sorry, honey, it just doesn't look like it is your day. Open wide and take your medicine."
Captain America could no longer wait. "Thor, take down the wall!" he ordered. Thor slammed his hammer into the bank wall he had been standing by, startling the villains and hostages alike.
The White Rabbit grinned. "There is the big guy. Knight and Fogg, time to earn your pay! Attack and kill him."
Knight pulled out his broadsword and walked toward the Norse god. "I am sorry for what I have to do. Please understand that your death brings me no joy." He swung his sword down at the Avenger only to have it intercepted by Mjolnir; upon contact with the magical hammer, the sword shattered. Knight did not have time to react as Thor's powerful fist slammed into his helmet, crumpling at the feet of the hero.
"Knight! You knocked him out with one punch? Try to do that to me!" challenged Fogg. Thor swung his fist through the green mist, but hit nothing. The incorporeal villain chuckled. "Not so easy, is it, you muscle bound wanker?" Fogg materialized his fists long enough to punch at his opponent but yelped as his fist felt like he struck a brick wall. "Well, I might not be able to hurt you, but you can't hurt me either."
Thor realized that his blows were not making an effect on the villain because of his fog-like state, so he switched tactics. Thor began to suck in the air into his mighty lungs. The suction was so great that Fogg was being sucked in.
Fogg, at first, thought this was too his advantage, believing he could suffocate the hero from the inside out; when he realized his dilemma, he could not materialize safely in Thor for he would be crushed, and Thor could hold his breath for hours. He tried to flow out of Thor's lips, but they were pressed so tightly together that even the man of fog could not slip out. That was when the murdering villain understood he had just been imprisoned, inside an immortal godling of all things.
While Thor made his entrance and fought the two assassins for hire, Captain America kicked out the grate and tumbled to the floor in-between the White Rabbit and the scared bank teller. "I do not like to hit a woman, but I will make an exception for you," Captain America said as he back handed the mastermind.
Walrus charged the Captain. "You hurt White Rabbit! I will hurt you!" Captain America leaped over the costumed thug, delivering a kick to the back of his head in the process.
Captain America landed in front of a shaking Cheshire Cat. The man in the purple cat suit blubbered, "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Oh.wait, I forgot. I can use my invisibility suit! Now you see me..." Cheshire pushed the trigger in his paws. "And now you don't!" The suit vanished from sight, leaving a naked man standing in front of the Star Spangled Avenger. "Oh damn.I knew I should have done more tests first."
Steve Rogers growled. "We're not impressed. Turn that thing off and surrender, or I will hurt you." The naked man paled at the promise of physical pain and nodded.
In just a matter of seconds, it was over, and no one was hurt, except for the Wonderland Gang and their pride. The two Avengers left the bank, allowing the police to apprehend the defeated individuals.
Captain noticed Thor holding his breath and called for an airtight container to be delivered, so that they could deposit Fogg.
Suddenly a man in army fatigues and a woman wearing a green bathing suit with a green beret leapt out of the crowd. He pulled a bowie knife out and pointed it at Captain America . "I am sick of the Army getting all of the credit for having the ultimate soldier! I am here to show you what the US Navy has, pal! Prepare to be thrashed by The Frogman!"
The woman in the green bathing suit giggled. "And I am Lily Pad! And you.Oh my gawd! It's you! It's really you!" Lily Pad rushed up to Thor and began to rub her hands on his massive chest "You are so very handsome. You look even better in person than on TV. I am Lily, by the way, oh, but I guess you already know that. Do you have a girlfriend?" The girl rambled on and on. Thor, who still had his lungs full of Fogg, just rolled his eyes at her incessant chattering.
"Lily! How could you, you tramp! You are supposed to be on my side," whined The Frogman.
Captain America fumed. "How dare you, soldier? You want to get into a pissing contest to see what branch of the armed forces is better? Well, you got your wish, soldier." Captain rushed at The Frogman and delivered an uppercut to the man's jaw, cracking it in the process. Frogman crumpled like a rag doll. He turned to Thor. "Need a hand with her?" Thor smiled tightly, shaking his head no.
Captain America 's radio buzzed at that moment. He picked up the line. "Yes, Jarvis? Yes, the situation is underhand. We should be home in a few minutes." A frown crept onto his face and became deeper. "More trouble? Where at? Fine. Once Iron Man and Wasp wrap up their Philadelphia mission, tell them to meet us there. Captain America over and out."
Thor's massive hand came to rest on Steve's shoulder. "We art going into battle again?" The Captain's attention was drawn to the swirling green mist in a large Plexiglas container, the final prison for Fogg. Finally he nodded. Thor looked down at his friend in concern. He could tell the man was coming to the limits of his strength. "Come, good Captain. We can do this. We art the Avengers after all."
Captain America looked down at his hands, which were trembling slightly. His arms and legs felt like lead weights. He felt like he could sleep for a year. "Can we, Thor? I am not so sure," said the weary man before walking toward the Quinjet to go to the next emergency.
**********
After the newest threat, a super strong sociopath known as Slaughterboy, was over, the four Avengers were finally back at the mansion. It had been a nasty fight, one that even put Thor through the ropes, but they had come out ahead. Again, the only reason for the battle was due to the villain wanting to make a name for himself by destroying the Avengers. This time he had come very close, but, in the end, the Avengers still walked away as victors.
As they approached the gate to the mansion, they saw a man entangled in the compound's security cables, which only deployed if someone tried unlawful entry past the gates. What was interesting about the man was that he wore a kangaroo outfit with boxers, and not just any boxers, but boxers with hearts on them. Of course, they all knew who it was immediately.
"Enjoying the view, Kangaroo?" asked Iron Man. The heroes looked at one another and grinned. Iron Man continued, "You know, if you wanted to visit, ringing the doorbell would probably work better."
"To be honest with you blokes, I was just on my way to church.visiting with me sick Aunt Tillie when I saw a young joey about to get run over by this truck, so I leaped out and picked him up, out of harm's way. But wouldn't you know it that I would bump into your gate and set off the security. Now if you let me down, I will even be nice enough not to sue you for too much." The four looked at one another, shrugged, and walked away. "Okay, okay.Maybe that was a bit much. You let me go, and I will just go on my way. Guys? Guys?"
The heroes left the thief and walked to the front door. "I wonder why Jarvis did not let us know that the security had deployed?" wondered Iron Man. "He's usually very good about that."
Once they opened the door, they saw why the faithful butler had not alerted them to the Kangaroo's attempted assault. There in the foyer, the butler was swinging a broom in the air, trying to swat two bedraggled ravens. "Shoo, shoo! You beastly things! Get! GET!"
The Avengers were shell shocked by what they saw, but even more so at what happened next. The two ravens landed at the feet of Thor and seemed to bow to the Nordic god. Thor seemed equally shocked as his mortal friends. He went to his knees and offered his arm to the ravens. "Huginn? Muninn? Why are my father's ravens doing here?"
Huginn, the raven of thought, raised its head. Feathers had fallen off, leaving it a bald spot. It looked directly into Thor's eyes and squawked, "Odin is dead! Odin is dead!"
Muninn, the raven of memory, raised its head, one of his black eyes missing. It took up where Huginn left off, "Long live Thor, Lord of Asgard."
Next issue: Falling Apart part 3
